控制欲——我执的特有表现

摘要：要是我们真正是在别人的需要之下去帮助、支持、关心，这是慈悲的表现。要全部是安排性的，会很容易带来不舒服。

生活中，夫妻间、朋友间时不时会有不愉快，总是会有一种说不明道不清的烦恼、压抑、不舒服，让交流和沟通显得不是那么舒畅。这些情况的根源基本上都来自于一方强、一方弱的不平衡。这个“强”，可能是在某个道理上有更成熟的角度，或者是对于某件事情的审视有更广、更深的角度。弱势的一方会被强势的一方的支配意识带来莫名其妙的不舒服，会比较被动。

这种“强”所带来的支配意识会成为一种习惯，很多人不会注意到这种习惯，但在日常生活中比比皆是，只要因缘一成熟就会表现出来。这种支配的意识、掌控的心理，或者这个作为的一些状态来自于控制欲。控制欲实际就是自我执着、傲慢的一个特有表现，容易带来支配和掌控。

因为我们有对自我的执着，当一个外在的机缘成熟时，我们就会去彰显这个“自我”。这些自大、骄慢，或者自卑等各种情绪习惯都会带来我们对自我意识的坚固、执着，这个也就是“我执”。我执是个内因，遇到一个成熟的外缘，就会产生一种思维模式，来支配或掌控作为的方向、作为的内容、作为的目的。一般我们在认为自己比较强的时候，就会有支配意识，容易轻视别人，因为强势方并未能了解弱势方真正的需要，就容易出现单方面的支配、安排。要是根据弱势方的需要来表达、作为，那就变得不一样了，那跟控制欲没有关系，就变成慈悲与支持了。

要是没有对方需要的配合，仅仅是强势方从单方面自我表达或者根据自我需要去作为，弱势方就会被这个强的东西暂时掩盖或者说替代。这种自我意识强加于他人而出现的不平衡，会造成冲突，一旦条件成熟，就会被对方颠覆。

大家可以在我们日常生活中观察，夫妻相处、社会交往、家庭里、工作中都可以看得到这一类问题。要是我们真正是在别人的需要之下去帮助、支持、关心，是帮助性的、辅助性的，这样就是慈悲的表现。要全部是安排性的，会很容易带来不舒服。这里一定要谨慎，因为如前面所说，控制欲很容易被颠覆。

过去人说“好心没有好报”。控制欲下的表达、作为，一定会落到所谓的“自己好心没好报”“我对人这么真诚，怎么会有这种报呢？”——就是会带来真心没有好报、伤心、没有得到回馈等等这样的感觉。我们为别人提供一个帮助，若是对方需要性的，就比较顺畅；若不是需要性的东西，对方就会拒绝。因为啥呢？人就怕被安排、被掌控。自己的安排被别人颠覆的时候，人会很痛苦。

我们各自的角度，尤其是我们所谓的正确——认为自己是正确的角度，或者说是对人好的角度，都会强化我们的自我意识。其实这个自我意识的“强”只是来自于不同的角度，来自于自己感觉自己看得到很远、自己的心或者心智比较成熟等等。大家都有这种思维模式和行为习惯，我们都有这个对于自我的执着。这个心理历程我们可以多去观察，清晰认知这些思维模式和行为习惯的来源、过程与结果，觉悟它能令我们回归到清净平等的缘起上来。

Desire for control – an unique sign of ego-clinging

Couples or friends may experience unhappiness from time to time. There is always a kind of indescribable affliction, depression, or uncomfortable feeling that irritates us when we communicate. The root of such a feeling basically comes from the domination of the strong over the weak. The power of the strong may stem from a more compelling argument or a broader and deeper view about some subjects. The weak may feel inexplicably uncomfortable because of this domination and fall into a passive position.

This ascendancy coming from this kind of power could become a habit that is often neglected by most people however is rather common in daily life. This habit comes out when causes and conditions have come to maturity. The dominant or controlling mind or actions grow from the desire for control. As an unique sign of ego-clinging and arrogance, this desire is easy to produce a feeling of domination over the other.

Since we all experience attachment to our “Self”, when external conditions gather together, we show this “Self”. Our emotions or habits such as pride, arrogance or inferiority strengthen our attachment to our “self”, which is also called “ego-clinging”. This internal cause, ego-clinging, when meeting external conditions generates a way of thinking that controls the direction, the content and the purpose of an action. Therefore, when we think we are stronger, we may have a desire for control and may neglect other people. Because the strong fail to understand the real needs of the weak, they frequently overwhelm the weak by unilateral decisions or arrangements. If the strong speak or act to the needs of the weak, things will be totally different, for control is no more an issue in this case but pure compassion and support.

Not paying attention to the true needs of the weak, the strong express nothing but their own opinions or requirements, and those of the weak are temporarily overwhelmed or replaced. Imposing ones’ own wills on the other creates imbalance between the two parties and may cause conflicts. Once the conditions allow, the weak will overturn the domination of the strong.

In daily life, we can see these relationship issues between couples, at work and among interactions in the society. If what we offer is needed, our help, support and care will become an expression of compassion. Whereas if the so-called help is a disguise of controlling others, uncomfortable feelings are unavoidable. Be cautious about this point. As we have mentioned above, the domination can be overturned easily.

There is an old saying: “no good deed goes unpunished”. Yes, no good deed by us will go unpunished, if our kind expression or action is only a way of controlling others. “I am sincere to him. How could he treat me like this?” Instead of receiving the expected reward, we feel hurt. The point is that, if we give others the help that is needed then everything will go well. Otherwise, you may be rejected because people are in fear of being dominated. As a result, we will feel much pain when our forced arrangements are overturned.

Our own perspectives, especially our thinking “I am right”, our way to consider we are right or we act for the good of others – will strengthen our “Self”. In fact, the “power’” that we may feel comes from the fact that we believe we can see further than others or our heart and mind are more mature than those of the weak. Each of us has this kind of way of thinking and behavior. We all have this attachment to our “Self”. We should observe more in this way and recognize clearly the source, process and result of our way of thinking and behavior. Awakening from it can bring us back to the pure and equal origin or nature.