控制欲（二）——好心没好报

摘要：自己觉得是正确的——是对的我才去思维啊，是正确的我才去作为、才去表达。这些道理会强化他，尤其是“我”这个特别突出的合理性，就会强化这个我执。

为什么很多父母对孩子的要求特别强？

因为“我的看法是正确的，是对你好的“。父母会强化这个正确，会强化这种说法，就用命令式的：你必须得执行。因为什么？——我这是对的。命令，命令式的延伸，你就必须执行，不管对方的需要。这就不是辅助孩子成长，不是关心、支持他。就是我这个是正确的——你必须得执行，带来的结果就是，孩子的这种成长过程最后会颠覆。

现在社会这方面的现象越来越多了，很多朋友之间、家人之间、母子、父子之间，都会有这样的一个过程，所以我们要善于观察了解，这种强化命令的依据就是——我是正确的。

我们可以看看自己日常生活中的一些事情，比如人际交往、知识阅历、经验等等方面，都会有强弱的表现。控制欲强的这类人是强人，强人他控制欲越强，这是一定的，是划等号的。自是非他，或者认为我是正确的——我才这样表达，实际这就是我执，自是非他就是我执。这个是执行者，它的根源是无明，产生这个业相就是控制欲的一种传递、延伸。结果若不是别人的需要，不是来关心、辅助，不是对别人需要的配合，这个颠覆必然从种下这个因的那一刻钟就会成熟。

我们可以内审。尤其是 “好心没好报” “真心没回应”这样的一些过程，实际就是执著产生的，并没有去关心别人的需要。没有关心到他人的需要，这是很大的麻烦。

好心没好报这个事情，在对子女、对朋友等方面都可能存在。比如做父母的会安排子女的婚姻、感情、生活、学校、学习，什么都会安排；那好朋友呢或者说有人感觉到我能帮助你的，就会什么都给你安排。这个安排，有时候就会有这种自我欲望的所谓“正确”的一种延续。最主要是没有观察别人的需要，如果是别人的需要，这个作为可能会有一个成熟的东西。或者说，当时是因为你强他弱，对方在迷茫的状态下、不清晰的情况下，你这个强缘就会让人有时候不知怎么地就接受了。但是产生的后效应，往往就会有副作用。

“我很善良的心，别人怎么会这样认为呢？有这样一个效果呢？”

没有去观察别人的需要，就丢失了一个大的因缘，就是配合、协调、辅助的依据没有，直接就形成一个安排性的东西，那别人稍微强一点就会反抗你。不强的话，可能一时带过去了，或者说某一时的需要就带过去了；一旦对方强大了，他就会来推翻你这个强加。你可以观察自己的生活历程，实际我们每一个人都有类似的东西。

自是非他——潜在的，不是明确地说：哦，我来表达自己正确的。潜在，就是潜下、潜意识中，潜伏的“潜”。“我是正确的，别人是错误的”，无意识地就表达出来，潜意识地去指挥他人。

因为肯定自己觉得是正确的——是对的我才去思维啊，是正确的我才去作为、才去表达，这样一个很坚固的东西，他就强化了，因为这些道理会强化他。尤其是“我”这个特别突出的合理性，就会强化这个我执。

观察自己的这种心理最重要，容易解决自己的问题，当然也容易配合他人。我们能来配合别人的需要解决问题，那这个慈悲不得了，这会让我们的生活慢慢地变得清晰起来，一些不舒展、不舒服以及一些潜在的问题会得到解决。

The desire for control（part two）— No good deed goes unpunished

Why do many parents demand so much from their children?

Parents often justify their demands by telling their kids: “I am right. Everything I ask you to do is for your own good”. Parents insist on their being absolutely right and therefore they order their children to follow their instructions because they are “right”. Orders, regardless of the children’s real needs, must be executed, which has seldom to do with true care and support for their children and is no more constructive regarding the children’s growing process either. The demands to follow orders may only result in one outcome: chil-dren will rebel against their parents.

Nowadays, this kind of phenomenon is more common. Friends, relatives, parents and kids share similar experiences. We should observe these phenomena and understand that the habit of giving orders stems from the idea that “I am correct”.

Let us observe things carefully in our daily life. For instance, some people may have some talents and per-form better in terms of interpersonal communication, knowledge or experience. People who have a strong desire to control others are the ones excelling in their field, and the better they are, the stronger their desire will be. That is for sure. Some people use strong language to overwhelm others because they think they are right and others are wrong, which is only an expression of ego-clinging. Acting out of ignorance, the ego-clinging of the strong, who believe they are always right, plays the role of the executor of domination. The happening of this phenomenon originates from the desire for control. Unless the arrangement comes from true care and support according to the needs of others, the seed of rebelling will definitely come to mature from the very beginning and will eventually overturn a relationship.

We could observe this process within ourselves. We can find out that the happening of “no good deed goes unpunished” is actually produced by our ego-clinging, without concern for others’ needs. It will cause big troubles when we neglect the real needs of other people.

We may experience that “no good deed goes unpunished” both from children and from our friends, espe-cially when parents take charge of everything in children’s life, such as marriage, relationship, school, study and way of life. We may also arrange everything for our friends if we feel we can help them. In both cases, we are most likely driven by a sense of “I am right”. The key is that we fail to observe what is need-ed for our children or our friends. We could offer real help in a mature manner, if we act according to the receiver’s needs. Otherwise, the weak may accept the help from the strong in a state of confusion and lack of clarity. However, the possible aftermath of such behavior may often induce side-effects.

“I am kind. How could people think of me in that way? Why do they treat me like this?”

Without observing the needs of others, we would lose a big opportunity or a foundation to provide true co-operation, coordination or assistance, rather than a mandatory arrangement. If the receiver is strong, he will rebel against us right away. If he is weak, his needs may be covered up and he may not react in the first place, but “revenge” will fall upon us when he becomes strong enough. When we see what is happening in our life, everyone may find similar cases as mentioned above.

Usually, praising ourselves and criticizing others may lurk in our subconscious, not expressed verbally like “Well, I think I am right.” We often express our “right” subconsciously or even unconsciously by giving orders to others or instructing them. We only think, express and put our ideas into action when we think we are right. This stubborn mindset is strengthened by the reason of “right”. Especially the emphasis on “I” nurtures the ego-clinging.

Moreover, if we observe our own mindset, it will be easier to solve our own problems and truly assist oth-ers. Domination can be turned into compassion once we can help solving others’ problems according to their needs. By doing so, our life will gradually become clearer. As a result, some uncomfortable feelings and hidden problems will disappear.